Monday, July 1, 2013

I could never be a stay-at-home mom

When I first had my son, I wanted to stay home with him so badly. I didn't want to miss his first word, or his first steps. Well, I missed those things because I am the major bread-winner for our family. Not working wasn't an option for me.

For at least a year, I was resentful of that. I missed Connor so much when I went to work. (I still do miss him.) Luckily, my sister-in-law is a stay-at-home mom, and I knew Connor was with family. And, his cousin, Zayden, is only 11 weeks older than he is, and they are like brothers. It's a gift I couldn't possibly be more happy to have. It still hurt to have to go to work. It hurt when Connor called my sister-in-law "mama." It hurt when he wanted her, and not me, when he got hurt. Those early days were heart-breaking. Fast forward to Connor being a year and a half, and running a muck. I took two weeks off for Christmas, and was so excited to be home with my boy. A week later, I was ready to pull my hair out.

I realized then, that I was not meant to be a stay-at-home mom. It is literally the hardest job in the world. You're home 24 hours a day with your child and have to wait on them hand and foot. You pour your entire soul into this one human-being (or two or three) and the job never ends. When I go to work, I leave at the end of the day. When you're a mom, you're always on duty.

I would love to work part-time and be home with Connor more. I could definitely use a few extra hours a day with him. But could I stay home full-time? Hell no. He drives me crazy some days every day most days. I enjoy being able to enter the adult world and be a working professional. It's like a break, kinda. A break from only interacting with a 2-year-old.

I get great fullfillment from being a mom. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I am eternally grateful to have my son. That doesn't mean he doesn't make me want to pull my hair out at least two days a week.

Love my silly boy. He dressed himself.

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